Pass the salt, please.

I wanted so bad to like Papa G's.  The eclectic cabana image, the hole-in-the-wall location, and sheer variety in menu options are all compelling reasons to get behind Papa G's. But there are some serious and unfortunate problems going on here. 

I believe $10/lb for pasta salad is a crime. A much friendlier priced option is the Organic Plate ($9) that come with choice of any two entrees, as well as a side of potatoes with choice of gravy (mushroom or ginger) and organic corn. For my meal, I chose the Chik'n with saffron rice, chanterelle mushroom stroganoff, and mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy. My partner chose the mac n' cheese, coconut & lime seasoned sweet potatoes, and the ginger gravy on her mashed potatoes.

The chik'n and rice was mediocre at best. The tofu 'chik'n' was executed well - properly spiced with a nice texture - but the rice was overcooked and mushy and lacking fundamentals like salt and pepper. 

The mac n' cheese was decent. The pasta was laughingly mushy, but the cheese/ nutritional yeast sauce was creamy and satisfied the blue box blues.  On the whole it was much more satisfying than The Paradox's paltry offering. 

The coconut & lime sweet potatoes were awful. A dish like this requires an expert balance of salty and sweet and Papa G's missed the mark entirely. The lime flavor was overpowering while the coconut was utterly elusive. This dish again lacked salt and pepper and while sitting at holding temperature during the evening the natural sweet potato sugar became bitter and molasses-like.

The mashed red potatoes were perhaps the most poorly executed. This simple dish is a staple for most vegans I know, but Papa G's missed the mark entirely. The potatoes, like everything. had little or no salt and pepper, and were dry to the point of being 'dusty.' It was like eating dirt - but with less flavor. The mushroom gravy was okay, but I was served such a miniscule portion of it that it was entirely insufficient to mask the unbelievably dry potatoes. My partner had her potatoes with the ginger gravy which (to our mutual disbelief) seemed to be nothing more than oriental top ramen seasoning packets thickened with corn starch. It was clumpy and cloying, and (in an ironic twist)  inedibly salty.

Even the corn - a dish so fundamentally unremarkable that %99 of the time it would defy comment - was bad. It had held in the steam tray way too long and had become shriveled and chewy. 

The one highlight of the evening? The chanterelle mushroom stroganoff. It was creamy, well seasoned, and visually right on the money. I detected no obvious soy flavors and could easily imagine I was piggishly sucking down the real thing. The pasta was as overcooked as the mac n cheese, but lent itself well to the application. We also shared a oatmeal-chocolate chip cookie that wasn't bad, although again kind of bland and pedestrian when compared to the quality products being made by the fine folks at Sweet Pea.

Most places in the U.S., Katherine Nemthe's saying "veggers can't be choosers" rings true. Portland is more blessed with vegan options than most places in the country. There are some winners here, and a surprising amount of losers for a 'food town;' the one thing held here in common is they are all cottage industries. We have no glamorous vegan chefs or even really any solid vegan restaurants that don't suffer a glaring fundamental flaw, whether it be service (lacking), consistency (scarce), or a permeating banality (abundant). We will know we have arrived as a movement (and as a consumer group) when Portland's vegan restaurants leave behind the amateurish tinkering of the well meaning hobbyist and graduate to thoughtful, professional execution and attentive service which is fundamental to the success of a restaurant. Until then we are all a captive audience relegated to pining away for the possibility of better days yet to come. Shitty hipster service, and shittier faux-gournet food will never persuade a single person to become a vegan. One bright day in the future we will have more options - and with that day will come Papa G's reckoning.